When life crashes around you

I hate this, but it’s so true for me. I experience real conflict and instead of using it to harness my creative juices, I curl up into a ball, close my eyes and wait for it to be over.

Part of it is physical, and I won’t hold that against myself. I have allergies and they flair up this time of year. Inner ear / vertigo is the worst. It makes it hard to do anything, especially stare at a computer screen and typing.

Part of it is emotional, this is the part I’m most critical about. Real conflict is supposed to be the best ingredient for writing, but instead of using it, I shy away from it. I shut down and don’t accomplish anything. I haven’t written anything for two days and I am in a place right now where I tell myself what’s the use in trying. It’s not that good anyway.

Of course that is quitter talk and I wouldn’t let anyone else get away with it. So as dizzy/queasy as I am, with all the personal strain I’m dealing with, I’m going to make the decision to do it anyway. It may be crap, it will probably get deleted at some point, it still feels worthless, but down deep I know that isn’t true. Even though my surface thoughts are so defeating, I know in my soul they aren’t true and I will press on.

Fake it till you make it.

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